1. Where do each of you stand on the ladder of Predictable Passages of Second Adulthood, described in Chapter 2?

a. Pits to Peak Passage
b. Feisty Fifties
c. Passage to the Age of Mastery
d. Selective Sixties
e. Passage to the Age of Unity
f. Spontaneous Seventies
g. Passage to Cultivation or Isolation
h. Enduring Eighties, Noble Nineties, and the Ascent to Centenarian

2. How long do you intend to live?

3. How long do you want/need to work?

4. Have you moved from pleasing to mastery?

1. Considering your current views on love, sex, dating, and new dreams for your Second Adulthood, which group described in Chapter 3 comes closest to representing you?

a. Passionates
b. Seekers
c. “WMD’s” (Women Married, Dammit!)
d. “SQ’s” (Status Quos)
e. “LL’s” (Lowered Libidos)

2. To which group would you aspire to belong?

3. Discuss questions on p 45 as a self-assessment of your readiness for entering the Second Adulthood of proceeding to more advanced phase.

1. How do you relate to Madeline’s story of developing “a crush on singing” and likening it to “that feeling of when you’ve just met somebody”? Do you agree with the author’s statement, “Do what you love and love will find you”?

2. If you’re single, what’s your take on dating after 50? Has dating changed your self-image? Have you tried online dating?

3. How do you relate to Carole’s philosophy as a seasoned woman who has done a lot of online dating—she accepts the likelihood she may never find that perfect soulmate, but she’s going to have a hell of a time trying!

4. If you’re married, do you still make special time for each other – “dates” or romantic getaways? How does it reignite the spark of your love and sexual chemistry?

1. Do you approve/disapprove/envy Carlene in “learning how to fly” both literally and romantically? Does Carlene inspire you to take risks in pursuing a new dream?

2. What have you always dreamt of doing but never dared? Sheehy choose a famous quote from T.S. Eliot’s The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock and uses the peach as a symbol of passion. Ask yourselves: Do I dare to eat a peach?

3. What do you think of the reasons given by Yvette, the frustrated Status Quo who sticks with a moribund marriage rather than insisting upon change or making the effort to seek a new dream?

4. If you pursued a conventional path in your First Adulthood, like the Texas women, are you ready for an emotional, sexual, or spiritual revolution in your Second Adulthood?

1. Sandy McCall is one of the women that Sheehy finds who reinvigorates her Second Adulthood through a spiritual rebirth. By including her husband in her quest for new meaning in her religious life, how does she also breathe new life into her marriage? How might a commitment to spiritual growth invigorate your passion for life?

2. What would you like to tell the Mineola men about their expectations?

3. Do you know any truly seasoned men? Have you been able to retrain a man – If so, how?

4. What lessons do you draw from reading about the unhappily single Tulsa nurses? Does being single for a long time make midlife women too picky or, worse, bitter? <

1. Have you experienced a Romantic renaissance? How is it the same, or different, from the sickness of love when you were a teenager?

2. What function does the pilot light lover play in a Romantic Renaissance? Do you have any thoughts on how to grow out of the inevitable heartbreak when the Pilot Light lover moves on?

3. How would you respond if a much younger man came on really strong? If you succumbed to lusting after the younger lover, could you be as philosophical Lt. Kiefer, who says, “I do realize that someday my wrinkles will become deeper, my breasts will drop, my stomach might get pouchy, and the younger man will look elsewhere. But right now, I’m enjoying this fantastic sexual time in my life?”

4. Why do you think Melodee Touma and her young Frenchman have been able to make a marriage work?

1. Where are you in the menopausal passage? How has it impacted your libido? Your self-image?

2. Are you aware that, after many months of no sex, the vagina stops lubricating and eventually atrophies? Did you know that vaginal estrogen is absolutely necessary for comfortable sex after menopause in almost all women?

3. Masters and Johnson warned us years ago to “use it or lose it.” If you have no partner at the moment to “use it” with, what kinds of preemptive actions are you taking so won’t “lose it”?

4. How do you relate to Lucy’s attitude to her reduced sex drive when she says, “Instead of being desperate to be touched and have sex, now it’s just a wonderful outcome of intimacy.”

1. Do you agree that “the higher seat of desire for women is above the neck?”

2. What did you learn from Sydney’s cautionary tale?

3. What ways have you found to revitalize sex in a long-running marriage?

4. Do you agree that reliability and planning are keys to the persistence of passion?

5. How long since you’ve danced? Can you imagine yourself taking a strip dancing class?

6. Do you agree with the psychiatrist-author, Dr. Ethel Person, that “some of most transforming and positive love affairs are adulterous”?

7. If you have been giving your husband only obligatory sex, how do you react to Dr. Pat Allen’s advice: “Stop talking and start lovemaking.”

1. Sheehy states (p 194), “Let go of the dreams that weren’t realized in your earlier life and let yourself re-dream. Then you will be ready to reestablish your life around a new or renewed passion--that is the secret.” What does Sheehy mean by “re-dream”? How have your dreams changed and evolved as you have moved into your Second Adulthood?

2. Have you taken time out to learn how to be alone and get comfortable with your new ground identity as a Seasoned Woman? Are you more inclined to do it walking the beach like Joan Anderson and Joan Erickson? Or postponing it indefinitely like Anne-Lise Cohen?

3. Do you know women who are single in their Second Adulthood but seem less lonely and better able to entertain themselves than some married women?

4. Would you, like Luisa and Mai, making a major geographical change to spark a change in your attitude toward life?

5. Have you found that loving together, but living apart, is more conducive to preserving a relationship in Second Adulthood?

1. Have you been inspired to find a new dream? How long have you been thinking about it as a daily priority, like brushing your teeth? Are you talking about it with your partner? Have you and your partner been forming a new dream together?

2. What’s the key step in surviving HIS midlife crisis?

3. According to Sheehy’s Sexual Diamond theory, women and men undergo a massive shift across gender lines, beginning to converge again in their 50’s. Why do you think this switch of polarities takes place? Why during this period of life? How can you make it work for you?

4. Women, even some formerly married and heterosexual, sometimes move into a lesbian relationship in middle or later life. What advantages or disadvantages do you see in a relationship like Karan and Sarah’s?

1. How do you define a “soulmate”? Has your definition changed significantly in this stage of life? Are you seeking a soulmate, or have you found one?

2. Why do you think Bebe is giving up younger men, now that she’s in her late 50s?

3. Have you considered rekindling an old flame? What do you see as the long-term advantages and disadvantages of such a match?

4. Could you envision having a platonic soulmate?

5. Has you love been tested by fire, as in Chapter 23? Do you find that the depression of a partner can be contagious? What did you learn about sustaining the soul connection through tragedy?

1. How would you describe “grandlove?” Have you experienced it yet, and if so, how has it changed your perspective on life?

2. Have you begun to develop a “communal heart?” Do you have a vision, however hazy, of yourself transitioning into a Wise Woman?

3. Can you see yourself, as a widow, turning into a “brazen hussy” like Emily Anne? What do you think allowed Rollene to change from a hard-edged, anti-marriage businesswoman into a contented wife?

4. Do you respect the way the widow Alicia keeps her passionate relationship secret? Do you think most adult children and friends of an older widow would prefer not to know?

1. Margaret Mead once said, as she approached 70, “Sooner or later I’m doing to die, but I’m never going to retire.” How do you feel about retirement – yourself—and your partner’s retirement?

2. What active and imaginative ideas have you come up with to create networks of companionship, fun and purposeful activity after retirement?

3. Do you aspire to being a Seasoned Siren? Do you see more role models among celebrity Boomers who are now in their 50s or 60? (Geena Davis (50 and a mother of 3 under 3), Oprah (52?) Diane Keaton (60), Cher (59), Goldie Hawn (60), Chita Rivera’s (75, who’s still dancing on Broadway in her late 70s) Tina Turner (66, who lives w a younger lover and loves being grandmother)

4. Does the story of Catherine and Ward inspire you to work on healthy aging, sustaining intimacy in your life, and finding grandlove – so you’ll enjoy being a centenarian?

Congratulations to the first Graduates of the Seasoned Woman’s Network, and thank you so much for sticking with the questions! I’m sure you have some friends for life in your group, and that our suggestions only furthered your own conversations!

Hopefully you had a note taker in the group to answer all of the questions. Shoot us an email at gailswn@gmail.com, turn in notes from your meetings, and we’ll send you a prize. We will also post your notes on the message board at www.seasonedwomansnetwork.com.